For those of you who know me, I have had a hard time with girls growing up. From the age of a 5th grader to my senior year, I had a hard time with most girls and most of my best friends were all guys because they were nicer and our friendships just seemed so much more simple. I have always had a pretty easy-going personality that just likes to be happy and bring happiness to others and have always made an effort to be nice to those around me. I'm not saying I am perfect by any means, I just mean that I have always tried to make a conscience effort to be a good friend to those that surrounded me. Sometimes I've been successful and other times not so much but I'm trying harder and harder everyday. I think a hard thing to realize and remember is that we are all human and we make mistakes. More often than not we tend to hurt others not even realizing it and we get hurt without the person hurting us even realizing it. We have to be so careful about the ways we communicate our feelings with others, whether it's talking face-to-face, texting, emailing, or talking on the phone, we have to be SO careful! In today's world talking face-to-face has been lost and it's becoming more and more difficult for people to even carry on a conversation in manner that even makes sense. I am a texter and emailer, yes, but I realize the importance of face-to-face communication and prefer it very much so over the other options. I am big on confertation and think that it is a very important thing... anyway, We have all been accused, and have accused others for hurting someone one way or or another which is why we need to watch the ways we are communicating these feelings to one another. I have had my fair share of intentional and unintentionally hurting others due to my level of maturity and other reasons. I would like to share with you my story, and why it's important to surround yourself with friends that are uplifting and are just plain and simply good friends.
For years I had a friend that was emotionally abusive to me whether she knew it or not. For way too many years I just brushed it off because I don't think I realized how badly it really was emotionally damaging me at the time but after so long I began to feel that pain. It seemed like everyone could see it but me for a really long time. My family, my classmates, my other friends, my friends parents, and many others would ask me why I put up with it but I always would just say because she's my friend. I guess I felt like it was my responsibility to be her friend through thick and thin because that's what friends in a normal functioning relationship do for one another. The only problem with all this is that she wasn't willing to be this kind of friend in return and it was really hard not having someone that I could count on being there for me at all times because that is what a true friends do for each other. Friends are supposed to be there for you to laugh with and cry with. You should be able to be yourself in front of your friends and I felt like I couldn't even be myself without being criticized or made fun of. Friends aren't supposed to make fun of you and criticize you, they are supposed to build you up and make you feel good about yourself, and I really struggled not feeling like I could even be myself. When you are trying to making a friendship or relationship with someone, if you will, you both have to be making an effort instead just one side. It was extremely hard not feeling like I had that other half working to make our friendship work. After years of hurt, being worn down, and just done with everything I had gone through by this point, I decided the time had come to stand up for myself even though it was going to be hard, so I did. I spent a lot of time praying and asking for help that I might have enough emotional strength to do this and I asked for help that I might know what to say. One of the scariest parts of me getting out of this was that I was afraid I wouldn't have any friends anymore. Somehow I came up with this illusion that I was going to be completely alone and that I wouldn't have any friends, which ended up being the complete opposite. When I stood up for myself I was terrified, but sure enough I had some really awesome friends to lean on just like I asked for.
This was a trial that I had to face and am still facing. There have been many that don't understand why this has been such a hard thing for me to get over but it has been. Having a friendship that lasted as long as ours did an then just cutting it off like cold turkey was hard. I felt so relieved when I finally stood up for myself but it has been really hard to move on. I have been so hurt and all I'm waiting for is a simple apology but I just need to realize that I'm probably never going to get that. On one of my previous posts I stated a quote and it was this, “Waste not fresh tears over old griefs” - Euripides. I have wasted many tears on this affair that was so unnecessary but I have been hurt. Sometimes it's hard to move on and forgive for something that you don't necessarily want to forgive. Today in church I was praying during the sacrament and I just decided that I need to start asking the lord to soften my heart and to forgive and forget because it still tears me down. It's not necessarily that I want to be best friends again but I don't like the feeling I get of someone hating me and the feeling of resentment I get every time I see her.
Anyway, I have been very blessed with much better friends. The best friends my junior and senior year of high school are friends I should've been closer with much earlier on in life. I just try to remember that even though we didn't become closer earlier that it's okay and that we have many years to come in our friendships and relationships and we were meant to become close that this certain time of life for a reason. I am so lucky to have them. They have truly carried me the last few years and I truly don't know where I would be without them. I would like to just take a minute and recognize them:
Kate has been amazing. Kate and I describe each other as we "complete each other." If there is anyone in this life that understands me more than Kate I don't know who it would be (with the exception of my heavenly father.) Although Kate is a year younger than me, I want to be like her when I grow up. I am so excited to announce we are going be roommates in the fall which is greater than anything I could possibly want in my life. She is beautiful inside and out and I appreciate her.
Tiff has always been a good listener. In return she always keeps everything light and makes you feel good about what you are going through and usually makes you smile in the end. She is amazing in teaching me by example that if you want something bad enough you just have to work for it. She has always been a hard worker and it really pays off. She is an amazing Ballerina and I know it is because of the time she has put into that passion of hers. Tiff doesn't care what others think of her and I really look up to her for that. I hope someday I can do the same and not care what others think and just do what I want to do because it's what I want.
There have been many others but I could go on and on but I just wanted to acknowledge my best friends. One thing that I have appreciated about the friendships we have together it would be our meaningful conversations. The three of us don't have the type of teenage girl relationship that we sit around and gossip about other people and have negative conversations, we talk about things that actually matter in life and things that will also benefit our lives. That has been a huge difference of our relationship and the relationship I have had with a lot of other girlfriends in life. These girls have truly been the answers to my prayers and I don't know what I would've done without them.
Also, when I went away to college I was fearing the roommate situation. I was going to be experiencing a lot of new things all at once and I was so excited but I was nervous. One of the scariest things I was about to face was whether or not I would get along with my roommates. I spent the entire summer praying and praying that I would get roommates that I could actually handle to be around. As soon as we got our apartment assignments I jumped on the computer to check them out on facebook (how pathetic is that, that in this generation that we can get to know someone really well on the internet... PATHETIC!) Anyway, isn't it interesting the first impression we have of someone before we even meet them... Well my impressions were COMPLETELY off but they weren't bad impressions. When we first met I feel like we liked eachother but little did I know they would become some of the greatest friends I have ever had. We got off on a bit of a rough start but as soon as we got used to living with eachother and making our different personalities work we all grew inseparable. Many people would ask us if we were all best friends and came down together, when the reality was... none of us knew eachother. We all got really lucky and I can't thank my heavenly father enough for giving me the roommate I had, and will have again next fall and spring, for they are some of my best friends in the whole wide world!
Lastly, Going through all this it made me grow much closer to my family. Being home alone for 2 years while my brother was off to college and on his mission my relationship with my parents grew much, much stronger. I learned to love my family much more. I also realized that I am going to be with my family forever and so I better start like them because forever is a long time. I think through this trial I have grown much closer to all my siblings and learned the value of not only friendships but how important it is to love your family. I am so thankful for my family and all they have done for me thus far in life.
All in all, I have been very blessed in my life with friends old and new and even though this has been a tough trial, I have learned a lot from it and I am thankful! I'm so lucky to have the friends I have and the family that I have. I am so thankful for being so blessed and wish I could go on longer but I think it's about time to wrap this up. But this all goes back to the purpose of my blog, even in an hard time that I have gone through, there is always a brighter side. Look to the bright things in life because if we dwell on all the ugly, dark things, we won't be happy and we won't be able to progress in life. I love you all and I am thankful for all you people I am so lucky to have in my life!!
With Much Love,
Merilee
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